Personal finance advice: I'm a stay-at-home mom. I worry about what my husband does with our money.

Nov 04, 2024

Pay Dirt is Slate’s money advice column. Have a question? Send it to Athena, Kristin, and Ilyce here. (It’s anonymous!)

Dear Pay Dirt,

I (34 F) have been married to my partner (39 M) for nine years, and we’ve been together for 12. We have three kids—one who will be dependent on us for life due to medical/disability needs. I stopped working when our third child was born about three years ago. My career didn’t make me a ton of money though I loved it and miss it, but I won’t be returning for a few years due to very high child care costs in our area. We’re certainly not rich, and we’re not living paycheck to paycheck but I actually don’t know the full story about our money.

My husband pays all of the bills and adds some to our joint account whenever it gets low. I make some money working occasionally every month as a caregiver. The thing is I just don’t love being so dependent on my husband for my financial stability and I do want to build some private personal funds because I don’t know how or if my husband is building our money (neither of us knows much about this aspect of adulting though I know he saves and worries about our retirement). I do trust my husband but don’t want to find myself single and no money to my name. My question is: How can I build with very little? What needs might I be missing for my child? Where can I learn easy-to-understand tips? Is this even something a stay-at-home mom can do?

—Worried SAHM

Dear Worried SAHM,

Here’s what I’m worried about: Why aren’t you having this conversation with your husband? I also wonder why you don’t have any real insight into your family’s finances, whether he has any idea you don’t like being dependent on him for your financial stability, and if he also is worried about the long-term care costs for your child who has medical and physical challenges. Finally, do you read your joint tax return before you sign it?

You also mention that he occasionally deposits money into a joint account when it gets low. That tells me you’re in the “yours, mine, and ours” method of paying bills, which given you don’t bring in much income right now, doesn’t seem quite fair. Unless he’s compensating you for the time you’re spending managing the household and taking care of the kids, the excess cash shouldn’t be going into his solo bank account.

These are all serious concerns you should be able to talk over with your life partner, someone you’ve been with for 12 years. So, the question is why aren’t you? Are you afraid of what you’ll learn about how he’s been managing your family’s finances? Or are you concerned about not knowing what questions to ask?

Here are some things I’d want to know if I were in your shoes:

How much income do we bring in as a family (his salary, your side hustles, and any other income-producing activities)?

Where are we spending our money? (Ideally, he’s using software like Quicken or even an Excel spreadsheet to track expenses.)

Are we carrying any debt and if so, at what interest rates? (Are you paying off your credit cards on time?)

How much are we saving through your 401(k) at work (assuming he has one) and in a separate savings account?

Are we contributing to a spousal Roth IRA for me? (You can contribute up to $7,000 per year, or up to $8,000 if you’re 50 or older.)

How are you thinking about or planning for the future care of our child?

How he answers these questions will tell you a lot about your relationship and whether you need to be worried about suddenly finding yourself single, with three kids and no money. I’m hoping he’s forthright, kind, and engaged in the conversation, and walks you through enough paperwork to assuage your fears.

Still, that’s not enough. I don’t believe anyone should just hand over control of their financial life. As long-term partners, managing your money should be joint work for you both. So here’s some homework to help you get up to speed: Start opening the bills, including utility, credit card, and insurance. Ask for the login information to your online financial accounts and learn to go online and check the balances. Add the apps to your phone and get comfortable navigating them with two-factor authentication (also known as 2FA). Check your credit card account a few times each month to make sure there aren’t any fake charges. Set up a spousal Roth IRA (if you don’t have one) and start contributing to it. Ask your husband to walk you through your most recent federal and state tax returns. Find out what the interest rate is on your mortgage (if you have one), credit cards (even if you don’t carry a balance), and any other debt. Finally, set up an account with each of the credit reporting agencies (Equifax, Experian, and Transunion), check your credit score, and see what accounts are listed in your credit report.

Learning how to manage your money isn’t brain surgery. You can do this. Write back and let me know how it’s going, OK?

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Dear Pay Dirt,

I’m 75, my wife is 69, and we’re retired and in relatively good health. We have about $5.4 million in IRAs and another $1.2 million in a taxable investment account which we don’t touch. We get a net of about $44,000 per year in Social Security, reinvest 40% of my required minimum distributions (RMDs), and have money left over at year’s end. We still have a mortgage on our house which is about $191,000 at 2.875% for the next 17 years.

Earlier this year, the Washington Post financial columnist, Michelle Singletary, wrote an article about paying off her low-interest mortgage early. Although her situation was not an exact analogy to ours, I wondered if this might be beneficial to us. One of the driving factors is that our standard deduction has been greater than our itemization for the past several years. What are some things we should consider in deciding on paying off the mortgage or at least accelerating the principal buy down?

—First World Problem

Dear First World Problem,

Let me start by saying that I love how Michelle Singletary writes about money (full disclosure: She’s a good friend). But her perspective and financial choices have been honed by her own life experience and those of her grandmother, whom she lovingly refers to as Big Mama. They work for her, and for a lot of her readers. But not all.

Your experiences are different. You’ve got plenty of money—heck, you’re saving 40 percent of your RMDs—and could pay off your mortgage in one fell swoop, if you wanted to.

Set aside the income tax deduction issue, because you’re not able to take advantage of it and likely won’t be able to, unless one year you decide to make a huge charitable contribution (here’s a primer on mortgage interest tax deduction for folks who are interested). I don’t know many financial advisors who would tell someone to pay off a debt that costs them 2.875 percent with cash that earns at least 4 percent, and likely a lot more.

The only reason to pay off your $191,000 mortgage early is because having that debt keeps you up at night. And, sleep deprivation doesn’t seem to be a problem for you, which is great. I think you should leave things as they are, and instead spend some time getting your estate in order: wills and perhaps a trust for you and your spouse, power of attorney for health care and financial matters, and a conversation about your assets with your heirs.

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Dear Pay Dirt,

I have an issue with my boyfriend that I’m not quite sure how to handle. We moved in about six months ago. Everything was going well until last month. I have a PhD and make multiple six figures working full-time from home. My boyfriend also makes six figures, although less than me, but he works full-time at the office. We talked about all of this and figured out a housework schedule where I do slightly more work. At some point, my boyfriend realized I wasn’t working the 30-35 hours 45-50 weeks a weeks a year like he thought, but was working more like 15-25 hours 35-50 weeks a year. On top of that, he got a new boss who is very demanding.

Since then, he has been shirking his duties around the house. For a while, I let it slide because of his new boss, but when I finally confronted him about it, he said he felt cheated in the whole negotiation process, and that he didn’t understand the extent to which I worked part-time. He said that had he known how little I worked, he would have pushed for a share of housework based on how much each of us worked. I reminded him that not only did I agree to a greater share of housework, but I also mentioned I specifically worked my butt off for years to be able to get to this lifestyle and didn’t want to be punished with extra work after I busted my butt in grad school and in a grueling job for three years after. He said he couldn’t believe I wasn’t willing to make his life a little easier since I know what he’s been going through. Our original work agreement had me doing about 60% of the work and now he wants me to do 80%! That seems so high. I want to stay at 60%. Is that unreasonable?

—Working Slacker

Dear Working Slacker,

Your boyfriend’s question is at the heart of the problem: Why aren’t you willing to make his life easier at a time when he’s struggling?

You both make plenty of money. Two people who earn “multiples of six figures” are bringing in enough money to pay for some cleaning help and other work that needs to get done. Sure, someone needs to think it through and hire the right people, which in itself is work, but you can afford help. If you don’t want to spend your free time getting more done around the house, set aside some time upfront to outsource some of that work. My question to you, though, is: Why are you so focused on your own needs and not on the joint effort a relationship takes?

Right now, life is relatively easy for you two. You’re talking about housework and getting things done. But the longer you’re together, the more complicated life becomes. What happens if he gets sick or loses his job and you’re supporting everyone? What if you lose your job and your new job pays half or less of what he’s making? What if you have kids? What if your parents (or his) need extra help or money?

Your “I put in my three years and deserve to be a slacker” attitude makes me pause. I’m not hearing any empathy for your boyfriend’s unhappiness. While it’s great that you do 60 percent of the housework, and I understand that you don’t want the burden of more to fall on your shoulders forever, relationships often need more care and love than that. Sometimes, each side has to give 100 percent to make them work. Since that doesn’t seem to be on the table for you, the reasonable follow-up question is why you’re in this relationship at all.

—Ilyce

Should I help my uncle slash my family’s inheritance? My uncle inherited all of my grandmother’s estate about 20 years ago. (Grandma cut my mother out entirely—we’ve always suspected that my uncle pressed his advantage while Grandma’s mind was going.) Since then, he has lived solely off the estate’s dividends. Even though the estate is now worth several million, he’s chosen to live EXTREMELY frugally. Imagine the modern equivalent of one of those famous Victorian misers.